Friday, March 10, 2006

Irresponsible Sandwiches

I love the internet. A treasure trove of information, social opportunities, porn and shopping. Only on the internet can you book airline tickets, meet your internet girlfriend, buy a book and a DVD, and check out the most irresponsible sandwiches the world has ever seen. So without further delay, I present the Top Four Most Irresponsible Meals found on the internet.


#4: Primanti's Sandwich


Some goof decided that a big slab of grilled meat and cole slaw, a hot fried egg, tomato and french fries between two slabs of thick Italian bread would be a good idea. I mean look at that thing, it looks like a muppet. All it needs is a few googley eyes and a harmonica and it's the newest member of the electric mayhem band.


#3: The Hamdog


hahaha oh the hamdog, I'm laughing already. Straight out of Decatur Georgia comes this monstrocity of a meal. The hamdog is obviously the sick joke the devil played on man. So let's examine the guests of the hamdog party, shall we? First to arrive is a fried egg, the cornerstone of any down-home breakfast. Then fried onions and their good pal chili kick down the door and rush to the stereo. They take the nice party mix you've prepared out and replace it with Sweet Home Alabama on repeat, turned up to 10. Unfortunately, they left the front door open and a hot dog covered in cheese and then wrapped in a fried hamburger sneaks in and immediately flips over your couch, breaks your table and barfs on that rug that you found at Pier 1. During all this chaos, a bun also snuck in and is hiding out somewhere in the basement. As anyone who's had a party of this magnitude knows, the clean up ain't gonna be easy.


#2: The Lutherburger

Legend has it, the pre-weight loss (and I guess pre-death) Luther Vandross invented this sandwich. If this is true, it's the most amazing celebrity food invention since Elvis invented the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. Of all the irresponsible foods in this article, the Lutherburger is actually the least complex. It's your standard bacon cheddar cheeseburger with one destructive twist - instead of a standard bush league sesame seed bun, you press the cheeseburger between a sliced Krispy Kreme glazed donut. Turning a run of the mill meal into a nuclear explosion of fat and flavor.


#1: Untitled Insanity (We refer to it as The Food Coffin)


Yeah, okay. So this one actually transcends food. I would go so far as to say this sandwich is actually the food equivalent of astrophysics or theoretical calculus. I don't know who invented this thing, but "Tip of the Cap," as they say. So let's do a little examination of what this bad boy is made of, shall we?

We have:
One loaf of artesan bread
Four (4) hamburger patties
Countless (countless) sausage and hot dog links
Mushrooms
Shredded Cheese
Lettuce
Carrots
Shredded Turkey
Tomatoes
Almost certainly a fire truck

It's unfortunate that the photo indicates that there are treasures and delights hiddin deep within the food coffin that we aren't allowed to discover. Perhaps some day an intrepid explorer may probe the depths of this fantastic sandwich and we will know the whole truth. Until then, we must be content with what we can see -- and that is one HELL of a sandwich.

So there you go, internet. They're all in one place.

**UPDATE**

Oh my gosh, there's an entire blog devoted to this type of insanity.
Pretty much each and every entry on that site absolutely obliterates everything I've listed here, I am deeply humbled.

7 comments:

trumble said...

those things look like something Beast, as in Belle's Beast, would eat.

Alex said...

Beast would devour the food coffin.

angie said...

how dare you rip apart such a beautiful georgian wonder such as the hamdog. btw, you missed the mark with the music there. georgians prefer "the devil went down to georgia" over "sweet home alabama"...because contrary to popular belief, the south isn't just one big huge backwards state. there's a few of 'em. ;)

Jessica said...

Why the hell would you want to eat a food named after a person who died from a stroke at 54?

Why not just call it the "Tragic Premature Death" Burger?

Americans are so disgusting sometimes.

Christina said...

I've got the shits just from looking at those.

Anonymous said...

weak, you missed a ton better sammichs out there. other than the fictional luther burger made famous by adult swim cartoons the others were tame. the winner was made up, something that big on a regular menu would have some fame.

americans are gross, tell that to my eastern european roomate who puts bacon and mayo on everything... including pizza, yes mayo on pizza. he claims its common where he's from to OD on fat to fill up???

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