Saturday, March 11, 2006

Liveblogging Mary Poppins

Ahhhh, painted London! What a quaint place. There's some sort of woman sitting on a cloud, I wonder what she's on about.

Oh! It's Dick Van Dyke! Welcoming us to Cherry Tree Lane! He's also a One-Man-Band! Pip-pip!

How can these people live next to an insane sea captain who seems to constantly believe the neighborhood is at war? You'd think some sort of neighborhood committee would have a little talk with ol' Admiral Boom.

Jane and Michael have just lost their Nanny! Oh no, they need a new one.

Despite his rather delightful song, Mr. Banks is actually kind of a dick.

Ahhh the wind has apparently changed, I wonder what this could mean! Oh, it means that Admiral Boom is going to shoot off his cannon again.

Bunch of wet blanket black dressed nannies are lined up at the door, they sure do look stern! I sure hope someone arrives on the scene to save poor Jane and Michael from this mess!

Oh look, the wind is blowing the grouchy nannies away, this is miraculous!

Jane and Michael think Mary Poppins is a witch, good thing this doesn't take place in NEW England in the 1700s.

Why haven't I ever noticed that Julie Andrews is actually kind of hot? This is honestly blowing my mind a little bit.

She's sasstalking Mr. Banks, this can't turn out well! Wait just one moment, Mr. Banks is confused and not angry! Why this Mary Poppins may be a psychological genius. I do believe she's actually hoodwinking Mr. Banks!

oh jesus christ she is going up the stair bannister, how can this be.

George Banks is still confused, but now happy with his new nanny. She really did a number on HIM!

Mary Poppins is getting settled in her new room and HOLY SHIT SHE IS REMOVING LIKE A TEN FOOT TALL POLE FROM HER CARRYBAG, and also an ornate mirror. Jane and Michael probably think she's Jesus at this point. Now a huge plant, this is some bag that Mary Poppins has. What else could be in the b... A BEAUTIFUL LAMP?!?!?! This bag can't be real.

She's measuring Jane and Michael with a very rude tape measure that says bad things about them, but lets Mary know that she is practically perfect in every possible way. Something tells me that Mary Poppins designed this tape measure.

Here comes the witchcraft again, she's singing a magic song that makes their room clean itself up. How is this teaching Jane and Michael important life lessons? Once she's gone, they won't have any supernatural powers to replace their utter laziness. There is a very handsome audio-animatronic bird in this scene though, and it definitely doesn't sing in any offensive accents. Uh-oh, the witchcraft toys are going bonkers!!

Park time! Spit Spot! These kids are awful singers.

Oh look, it's Dick Van Dyke again... now his job is a chalk painter? He sure is a jaunty fellow though, probably the only nice person in this entire movie! I'd really like to know the backstory between he and Mary though. Did they have some sort of tawdry relationship once? He suuuuuuuuuuuure knows a lot about Mary Poppins. Hmmm. Hahahaha jump into the chalk drawings? Dick Van Dyke is also insane, obviously. Yeah right, maybe in some kind of MAGIC LAND... oh golly well Mary got them to jump into the chalk drawings, what do you know. EFF U DICK VAN DYKE, U R PWN3D BY MARY POPPINS

Animated shit, victorian costumes, jolly holiday with Mary. Dick is flirting with Mary again. I'm pretty sure they DO have some kind of history. Yep, cows, chickens, singing sheep -- this is a terrifying living chalk drawing. I'm going to close my eyes until it's over.

*peeking* still not over, they're riding on turtles.

Ahh jeez, here come the kazoo waitstaff penguins. This nightmare will never end. Oh, I get it, they look like they're wearing tiny tuxedos!

OK I'm afraid I can't close my eyes until this is over, this chalk drawing wonderland is taking forever. Now they're destroying a perfectly good carousel to ride the horses across the chalkland countryside. Is nothing sacred to Mary Poppins? That's a classic carousel and now it'll take days to repair. Oh now it's time for several stuffy british stereotypes that are on a FOX HUNT! I'd really like to go back to the somewhat stereotypical London now, please. Guess not, now there's a big horse race going on. UH OH IT IS TIME FOR SUPERCALLASHEKPALILADIOSFRAGILAGGAEXPEALLIDIOSHUS! POPCORN! FILOBUSTER! SAY EM AGAIN!

Oh delightful, the rain washed them out of the chalkdrawing nightmareland. We're back in LondonSet now.

UH OH, MEDICINE TIME. This can't turn out well, everyone knows that medicine is disgus... strawberry, rum punch, and lime cordial? Mary is spiking their medicine with liquor. Worst Nanny Ever.

WTF? Mary is acting like the crazy stuff that happened earlier never happened! She's threatening them with the police if they keep talking about it? Mary is a jerk. Now she's shutting them up with a magical lullaby.

Ahhhh, Admiral Boom again! Now he's INTENTIONALLY going to wake the neighborhood up with his cannon, this movie is full of jackasses.

Breakfast time for the Banks! George Banks is grouchy as usual, he's angry that everyone is so cheerful. What a wet end! Yep, Admiral Boom is destroying their house, as predicted.

Another outing! Wait, what? Mary Poppins knows Admiral Boom too? That girl gets around.

Oh no way, Mary Poppins speaks "Dog." This is just the living end.

They're going to a very suspicious looking alley matte painting avenue. This isn't going to turn out well, she's probably taking them to buy more bootleg "medicine."

Oh my lord here's Dick Van Dyke again (No new job) and there is a dude laughing in a very familiar cartoon voice and LEVITATING. He apparently has some disease that makes him laugh and fly. :( Even Mary Poppins thinks it's quite serious. Oh. Oh no. His disease is contageous... now Dick Van Dyke and the children are laughing. I guess Mary Poppins is immune since she's a witch and all. Oh no, now Dick Van Dyke is on the ceiling too. Whew, Mary tried to keep the kids from flying too... but it's too late! Nothing can stop this disease. :\ Now Mary is using her witch-powers to levitate the teatable. Well at least she can be helpful SOMETIMES. Oh, the cure for his disease is misery!

Mr. Banks is coming home and Admiral Boom is razzing him for being late. That guy! Someone should hire a few pirates to come destroy Admiral Boom's house.

Uh ohhhhh, Mr. Banks is calling Mary Poppins on the carpet. This won't go over well, Mr. Banks is angry and a jerk and we know what that means. He wants Mary to teach the children that life is a looming battle that must be faced and fought. He's also taking a little nip off the ol' brandy crystal, so this could go downhill fast. HAHAHA HE CAN'T SAY SUPERCALLAGNALDLF oh shit I can't say it either.

Mary is a smart cookie, she's turning the tide to her favor once again! What a pistol that Mary Poppins is! She tricked Mr. Banks into taking his children to the bank. But if I know Mary Poppins (and trust me, I do), this isn't going to turn out very well for Mr. Banks!

Ahhh, the bird-lady song. I think this is what we 'In the Industry' call a 'filler song.' Come on, get to the unfortunate bank incident! That lady would honestly be covered head-to-toe in bird shit, btw. Yep, the song put the kids and quite nearly me to sleep.

Yay! It's Banks' Bank time! They see the bird woman, but Mr. Banks doesn't like to look at homeless people. Typical. On to the stuffy bank, where it's Take Your Kids To Work Day, but apparently only Mr. Banks knows about this. The other bank managers are looking down their sharp features at the old men.

Oh! Here's Old Dick Van Dyke, at last! This is a pretty good case-study on how to make yourself act old. #1: hunch over, #2: raspy voice, #3: chewing on nothing, #4 beard. He's singing a delightful song about interest and greed, but Michael only wants to give his Two Pence to the bird lady, much to the chagrin of the stuffy bank managers. Mr. Banks is still a dick, for those of you who are keeping score at home. Now he is flanked with a phalanx of like-minded british dicks who are bullying this poor child into investing his money! Oh no, Old Dick Van Dyke incited a tantrum when he stole Michael's money which in turn created A RUN ON THE BANK when the rest of the customers witnessed this! Chaos! Jane and Michael escaped with their money! Oh no, I predict bad things are going to happen to Mr. Banks after this.

Jane and Michael ran to the wharf, it is full of vicious dogs, bag ladies and... oh, it's Dick Van Dyke again! Now he's a chimney sweep! This guy has more jobs than Kirk on Gilmore Girls. Now I guess it's time for Wit and Wisdom with Dick Van Dyke. He's still the nicest person in this movie.

He's skipping them home and singing about how lucky he is. Well if he's nailed Mary Poppins, I'd wager he's lucky, indeed. The children are home....................... but where is Mr. Banks? He's not home? Is he still at the bank? I sure hope nothing bad is happening to Mr. Banks. Oh, I guess Dick Van Dyke had ulterior motives, he's cleaning the Banks' chimney. Here I thought he was doing something selfless, but noooooooooooooooooo. Oh Mary is back and she shot the kids up the chimney, now they are all sooty. Now it's time for magical sootface rooftop adventure! Oh! Mary just made stairs out of soot. I'm sure someone on usenet would be happy to point out the physical impossibility of this. Oh my, a gang of sootsweeps. I certainly hope they don't roll Michael for his Two Pence, I don't think London can bear another riot. OK there is officially far too much "Stepping in time." ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Admiral Boom obviously agrees with me, he's shooting at the chimney sweeps. Oh heavens, they are now ransacking the Banks' house with their sooty pigpen dirtbodies. Please stop stepping in time, I want to see what's going on at the bank! Oh, Mr. Banks is at home now? After his day at work, he can't be enjoying all this stepping in time. Oh good, the sweeps are finally pissing off. Whew! I AM BESIDE MYSELF WITH CURIOSITY ABOUT WHAT TRANSPIRED AT MR. BANKS PLACE OF BUSINESS. Uh oh, I think Banks is going to sack Mary Poppins. Maybe not, she just CRACKED WISE, 227 style, at Mr. Banks. Ha!

Uh oh, he's being summoned back to the bank. Finally.

Does Mr. Banks have a brain tumor? Whenever he comes home he sings whatever he's thinking about in the same tune.

Awwww Michael just gave his father the two pence. But, instead of giving his kids some wisdom, he simply said 'Thank You.' and made his way to the SCARY OLD BANK (which does indeed look quite scary at night). Wait, banks have doorbells?

LONG, DARK, BOARD ROOM. This bank has by far the strangest firing routine I've ever seen. First, they are giving him a history lesson to illustrate how long it's been since anything awful had happened to the bank. UNTIL TODAY!! Now they are tearing off his flower, punching his hat, and hell of breaking his umbrella. These bank managers are just unbelievable dickheads. But Mr. Banks is having a change of heart! He is saying SUPERCALAJAGGAMISTICEXPEALICIOOUSUS and laughing and confusing Old Dick Van Dyke and his business men. Mr. Banks has lost his mind!

Oh. Oh no. Old Dick Van Dyke has now caught the laughter disease. I wish him well in his recovery.

Now the wind is changing and it's time for Mary Poppins to break Jane and Michael's heart and take her magical crazybag and go home to her cloud-seat. Mr. Banks is no longer a jerk and is returning home singing a DIFFERENT SONG! Now he is flying kites with his kids. Admiral Boom is still an asshole. I just realized I didn't mention Mrs. Banks at all during this entire liveblog, well she is a delightful lady and a stalwart supporter of womens' right to vote. THE END!


Anonymous said...

say word, i always thought that eventually a revolution would be born amongst the maids and servants of the block against that fucking schizo admiral

Anonymous said...

OMG how about a SPOILER WARNING next time

Anonymous said...

excellent use of 'phalanx'. a damn fine review, old chap!

Anonymous said...

i do believe that the word is spelled supercalifragilisticexpealadocious... duh.

(by the by, leaving me links to GIANT NAZI bunnies, is so not funny.)

(maybe it's a little funny, but i just about died.)

(as in dead)

Anonymous said...

oamhpöerakjnhraelkhjneraph ALEX my friend Wiley and I are obsessed with Mary Poppins YAAAAAAAY <333333333

starbender said...

What a review!
I luv Mary Poppins!