Thursday, March 23, 2006

Tetris DS Friend Code!

522835 980804

If you'd like to get past Nintendo's crybaby security routine and actually, you know, play tetris ds with me, you'll have to add me to your list and then add your friend code in the comments.


Friday, March 17, 2006


Today I saw a German Shepherd on an escalator. Granted, it was a seeing-eye dog, but I honestly can't recall ever seeing an animal on an escalator before.

I can't stop being amazed at seeing a dog on an escalator. Too bad I didn't have my camera.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Liveblogging Mary Poppins

Ahhhh, painted London! What a quaint place. There's some sort of woman sitting on a cloud, I wonder what she's on about.

Oh! It's Dick Van Dyke! Welcoming us to Cherry Tree Lane! He's also a One-Man-Band! Pip-pip!

How can these people live next to an insane sea captain who seems to constantly believe the neighborhood is at war? You'd think some sort of neighborhood committee would have a little talk with ol' Admiral Boom.

Jane and Michael have just lost their Nanny! Oh no, they need a new one.

Despite his rather delightful song, Mr. Banks is actually kind of a dick.

Ahhh the wind has apparently changed, I wonder what this could mean! Oh, it means that Admiral Boom is going to shoot off his cannon again.

Bunch of wet blanket black dressed nannies are lined up at the door, they sure do look stern! I sure hope someone arrives on the scene to save poor Jane and Michael from this mess!

Oh look, the wind is blowing the grouchy nannies away, this is miraculous!

Jane and Michael think Mary Poppins is a witch, good thing this doesn't take place in NEW England in the 1700s.

Why haven't I ever noticed that Julie Andrews is actually kind of hot? This is honestly blowing my mind a little bit.

She's sasstalking Mr. Banks, this can't turn out well! Wait just one moment, Mr. Banks is confused and not angry! Why this Mary Poppins may be a psychological genius. I do believe she's actually hoodwinking Mr. Banks!

oh jesus christ she is going up the stair bannister, how can this be.

George Banks is still confused, but now happy with his new nanny. She really did a number on HIM!

Mary Poppins is getting settled in her new room and HOLY SHIT SHE IS REMOVING LIKE A TEN FOOT TALL POLE FROM HER CARRYBAG, and also an ornate mirror. Jane and Michael probably think she's Jesus at this point. Now a huge plant, this is some bag that Mary Poppins has. What else could be in the b... A BEAUTIFUL LAMP?!?!?! This bag can't be real.

She's measuring Jane and Michael with a very rude tape measure that says bad things about them, but lets Mary know that she is practically perfect in every possible way. Something tells me that Mary Poppins designed this tape measure.

Here comes the witchcraft again, she's singing a magic song that makes their room clean itself up. How is this teaching Jane and Michael important life lessons? Once she's gone, they won't have any supernatural powers to replace their utter laziness. There is a very handsome audio-animatronic bird in this scene though, and it definitely doesn't sing in any offensive accents. Uh-oh, the witchcraft toys are going bonkers!!

Park time! Spit Spot! These kids are awful singers.

Oh look, it's Dick Van Dyke again... now his job is a chalk painter? He sure is a jaunty fellow though, probably the only nice person in this entire movie! I'd really like to know the backstory between he and Mary though. Did they have some sort of tawdry relationship once? He suuuuuuuuuuuure knows a lot about Mary Poppins. Hmmm. Hahahaha jump into the chalk drawings? Dick Van Dyke is also insane, obviously. Yeah right, maybe in some kind of MAGIC LAND... oh golly well Mary got them to jump into the chalk drawings, what do you know. EFF U DICK VAN DYKE, U R PWN3D BY MARY POPPINS

Animated shit, victorian costumes, jolly holiday with Mary. Dick is flirting with Mary again. I'm pretty sure they DO have some kind of history. Yep, cows, chickens, singing sheep -- this is a terrifying living chalk drawing. I'm going to close my eyes until it's over.

*peeking* still not over, they're riding on turtles.

Ahh jeez, here come the kazoo waitstaff penguins. This nightmare will never end. Oh, I get it, they look like they're wearing tiny tuxedos!

OK I'm afraid I can't close my eyes until this is over, this chalk drawing wonderland is taking forever. Now they're destroying a perfectly good carousel to ride the horses across the chalkland countryside. Is nothing sacred to Mary Poppins? That's a classic carousel and now it'll take days to repair. Oh now it's time for several stuffy british stereotypes that are on a FOX HUNT! I'd really like to go back to the somewhat stereotypical London now, please. Guess not, now there's a big horse race going on. UH OH IT IS TIME FOR SUPERCALLASHEKPALILADIOSFRAGILAGGAEXPEALLIDIOSHUS! POPCORN! FILOBUSTER! SAY EM AGAIN!

Oh delightful, the rain washed them out of the chalkdrawing nightmareland. We're back in LondonSet now.

UH OH, MEDICINE TIME. This can't turn out well, everyone knows that medicine is disgus... strawberry, rum punch, and lime cordial? Mary is spiking their medicine with liquor. Worst Nanny Ever.

WTF? Mary is acting like the crazy stuff that happened earlier never happened! She's threatening them with the police if they keep talking about it? Mary is a jerk. Now she's shutting them up with a magical lullaby.

Ahhhh, Admiral Boom again! Now he's INTENTIONALLY going to wake the neighborhood up with his cannon, this movie is full of jackasses.

Breakfast time for the Banks! George Banks is grouchy as usual, he's angry that everyone is so cheerful. What a wet end! Yep, Admiral Boom is destroying their house, as predicted.

Another outing! Wait, what? Mary Poppins knows Admiral Boom too? That girl gets around.

Oh no way, Mary Poppins speaks "Dog." This is just the living end.

They're going to a very suspicious looking alley matte painting avenue. This isn't going to turn out well, she's probably taking them to buy more bootleg "medicine."

Oh my lord here's Dick Van Dyke again (No new job) and there is a dude laughing in a very familiar cartoon voice and LEVITATING. He apparently has some disease that makes him laugh and fly. :( Even Mary Poppins thinks it's quite serious. Oh. Oh no. His disease is contageous... now Dick Van Dyke and the children are laughing. I guess Mary Poppins is immune since she's a witch and all. Oh no, now Dick Van Dyke is on the ceiling too. Whew, Mary tried to keep the kids from flying too... but it's too late! Nothing can stop this disease. :\ Now Mary is using her witch-powers to levitate the teatable. Well at least she can be helpful SOMETIMES. Oh, the cure for his disease is misery!

Mr. Banks is coming home and Admiral Boom is razzing him for being late. That guy! Someone should hire a few pirates to come destroy Admiral Boom's house.

Uh ohhhhh, Mr. Banks is calling Mary Poppins on the carpet. This won't go over well, Mr. Banks is angry and a jerk and we know what that means. He wants Mary to teach the children that life is a looming battle that must be faced and fought. He's also taking a little nip off the ol' brandy crystal, so this could go downhill fast. HAHAHA HE CAN'T SAY SUPERCALLAGNALDLF oh shit I can't say it either.

Mary is a smart cookie, she's turning the tide to her favor once again! What a pistol that Mary Poppins is! She tricked Mr. Banks into taking his children to the bank. But if I know Mary Poppins (and trust me, I do), this isn't going to turn out very well for Mr. Banks!

Ahhh, the bird-lady song. I think this is what we 'In the Industry' call a 'filler song.' Come on, get to the unfortunate bank incident! That lady would honestly be covered head-to-toe in bird shit, btw. Yep, the song put the kids and quite nearly me to sleep.

Yay! It's Banks' Bank time! They see the bird woman, but Mr. Banks doesn't like to look at homeless people. Typical. On to the stuffy bank, where it's Take Your Kids To Work Day, but apparently only Mr. Banks knows about this. The other bank managers are looking down their sharp features at the old men.

Oh! Here's Old Dick Van Dyke, at last! This is a pretty good case-study on how to make yourself act old. #1: hunch over, #2: raspy voice, #3: chewing on nothing, #4 beard. He's singing a delightful song about interest and greed, but Michael only wants to give his Two Pence to the bird lady, much to the chagrin of the stuffy bank managers. Mr. Banks is still a dick, for those of you who are keeping score at home. Now he is flanked with a phalanx of like-minded british dicks who are bullying this poor child into investing his money! Oh no, Old Dick Van Dyke incited a tantrum when he stole Michael's money which in turn created A RUN ON THE BANK when the rest of the customers witnessed this! Chaos! Jane and Michael escaped with their money! Oh no, I predict bad things are going to happen to Mr. Banks after this.

Jane and Michael ran to the wharf, it is full of vicious dogs, bag ladies and... oh, it's Dick Van Dyke again! Now he's a chimney sweep! This guy has more jobs than Kirk on Gilmore Girls. Now I guess it's time for Wit and Wisdom with Dick Van Dyke. He's still the nicest person in this movie.

He's skipping them home and singing about how lucky he is. Well if he's nailed Mary Poppins, I'd wager he's lucky, indeed. The children are home....................... but where is Mr. Banks? He's not home? Is he still at the bank? I sure hope nothing bad is happening to Mr. Banks. Oh, I guess Dick Van Dyke had ulterior motives, he's cleaning the Banks' chimney. Here I thought he was doing something selfless, but noooooooooooooooooo. Oh Mary is back and she shot the kids up the chimney, now they are all sooty. Now it's time for magical sootface rooftop adventure! Oh! Mary just made stairs out of soot. I'm sure someone on usenet would be happy to point out the physical impossibility of this. Oh my, a gang of sootsweeps. I certainly hope they don't roll Michael for his Two Pence, I don't think London can bear another riot. OK there is officially far too much "Stepping in time." ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Admiral Boom obviously agrees with me, he's shooting at the chimney sweeps. Oh heavens, they are now ransacking the Banks' house with their sooty pigpen dirtbodies. Please stop stepping in time, I want to see what's going on at the bank! Oh, Mr. Banks is at home now? After his day at work, he can't be enjoying all this stepping in time. Oh good, the sweeps are finally pissing off. Whew! I AM BESIDE MYSELF WITH CURIOSITY ABOUT WHAT TRANSPIRED AT MR. BANKS PLACE OF BUSINESS. Uh oh, I think Banks is going to sack Mary Poppins. Maybe not, she just CRACKED WISE, 227 style, at Mr. Banks. Ha!

Uh oh, he's being summoned back to the bank. Finally.

Does Mr. Banks have a brain tumor? Whenever he comes home he sings whatever he's thinking about in the same tune.

Awwww Michael just gave his father the two pence. But, instead of giving his kids some wisdom, he simply said 'Thank You.' and made his way to the SCARY OLD BANK (which does indeed look quite scary at night). Wait, banks have doorbells?

LONG, DARK, BOARD ROOM. This bank has by far the strangest firing routine I've ever seen. First, they are giving him a history lesson to illustrate how long it's been since anything awful had happened to the bank. UNTIL TODAY!! Now they are tearing off his flower, punching his hat, and hell of breaking his umbrella. These bank managers are just unbelievable dickheads. But Mr. Banks is having a change of heart! He is saying SUPERCALAJAGGAMISTICEXPEALICIOOUSUS and laughing and confusing Old Dick Van Dyke and his business men. Mr. Banks has lost his mind!

Oh. Oh no. Old Dick Van Dyke has now caught the laughter disease. I wish him well in his recovery.

Now the wind is changing and it's time for Mary Poppins to break Jane and Michael's heart and take her magical crazybag and go home to her cloud-seat. Mr. Banks is no longer a jerk and is returning home singing a DIFFERENT SONG! Now he is flying kites with his kids. Admiral Boom is still an asshole. I just realized I didn't mention Mrs. Banks at all during this entire liveblog, well she is a delightful lady and a stalwart supporter of womens' right to vote. THE END!

Friday, March 10, 2006

The most disgusting soda known to man

Ok, so this post needs a bit of background. A long time ago, Coca-Cola used to have this neat museum on the Las Vegas Strip. It was full of Coke memorabilia, and featured an area where you could taste Coke products from around the world. Then one day the museum mysteriously disappeared (replaced with an M&M's museum, I believe) and the Coke-around-the-world-taste-sensation-station disappeared for a while, only to re-appear at Walt Disney World's EPCOT Center, of all places. In a small building next to Innoventions sits Ice Station Cool, where you can again sample the glorious Coke products the world over. One such product is known only as "Beverly," and it hails from beautiful Italy. Beverly is, without a doubt, the most disgusting soda I've ever tasted. It's so disgusting that people bring their friends to Ice Station Cool to torture them with a sample of Beverly. I was poking around the internet today, and found this awesome video showcasing a few band geeks and their brilliant idea -- THE BEVERLY CHALLENGE: CAN A MAN DRINK TEN DIXIE CUPS OF BEVERLY IN SEVEN MINUTES? Let's find out.

Warning: slightly graphic video. Never thought I'd need to say that for a video of a dude drinking soda pop.

Irresponsible Sandwiches

I love the internet. A treasure trove of information, social opportunities, porn and shopping. Only on the internet can you book airline tickets, meet your internet girlfriend, buy a book and a DVD, and check out the most irresponsible sandwiches the world has ever seen. So without further delay, I present the Top Four Most Irresponsible Meals found on the internet.

#4: Primanti's Sandwich

Some goof decided that a big slab of grilled meat and cole slaw, a hot fried egg, tomato and french fries between two slabs of thick Italian bread would be a good idea. I mean look at that thing, it looks like a muppet. All it needs is a few googley eyes and a harmonica and it's the newest member of the electric mayhem band.

#3: The Hamdog

hahaha oh the hamdog, I'm laughing already. Straight out of Decatur Georgia comes this monstrocity of a meal. The hamdog is obviously the sick joke the devil played on man. So let's examine the guests of the hamdog party, shall we? First to arrive is a fried egg, the cornerstone of any down-home breakfast. Then fried onions and their good pal chili kick down the door and rush to the stereo. They take the nice party mix you've prepared out and replace it with Sweet Home Alabama on repeat, turned up to 10. Unfortunately, they left the front door open and a hot dog covered in cheese and then wrapped in a fried hamburger sneaks in and immediately flips over your couch, breaks your table and barfs on that rug that you found at Pier 1. During all this chaos, a bun also snuck in and is hiding out somewhere in the basement. As anyone who's had a party of this magnitude knows, the clean up ain't gonna be easy.

#2: The Lutherburger

Legend has it, the pre-weight loss (and I guess pre-death) Luther Vandross invented this sandwich. If this is true, it's the most amazing celebrity food invention since Elvis invented the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. Of all the irresponsible foods in this article, the Lutherburger is actually the least complex. It's your standard bacon cheddar cheeseburger with one destructive twist - instead of a standard bush league sesame seed bun, you press the cheeseburger between a sliced Krispy Kreme glazed donut. Turning a run of the mill meal into a nuclear explosion of fat and flavor.

#1: Untitled Insanity (We refer to it as The Food Coffin)

Yeah, okay. So this one actually transcends food. I would go so far as to say this sandwich is actually the food equivalent of astrophysics or theoretical calculus. I don't know who invented this thing, but "Tip of the Cap," as they say. So let's do a little examination of what this bad boy is made of, shall we?

We have:
One loaf of artesan bread
Four (4) hamburger patties
Countless (countless) sausage and hot dog links
Shredded Cheese
Shredded Turkey
Almost certainly a fire truck

It's unfortunate that the photo indicates that there are treasures and delights hiddin deep within the food coffin that we aren't allowed to discover. Perhaps some day an intrepid explorer may probe the depths of this fantastic sandwich and we will know the whole truth. Until then, we must be content with what we can see -- and that is one HELL of a sandwich.

So there you go, internet. They're all in one place.


Oh my gosh, there's an entire blog devoted to this type of insanity.
Pretty much each and every entry on that site absolutely obliterates everything I've listed here, I am deeply humbled.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Maya and Me

This is Maya. Maya is helping me lose some weight! I recently hit a point where I am just fed up with the state of the union of my body and the yo-yo weight gain and loss that I experience year over year (I bike to work during the summer months, but then sit and do a whole lot of nothing during the winter) -- so I thought I'd check out what Maya has to offer.

Maya is the personal trainer that comes with "Yourself!Fitness" (I have no idea why there's an exclamation mark in there) -- the videogame fitness solution. It's out for the PC, the PS2 and the Xbox, and it's actually pretty interesting. I'm about three days into it now, and it's working out pretty well.

At first glance, it seems like nothing more than a glorified at-home workout video. The kind that people used to buy in the 1890s while wearing their leotards and fashionable headbands. But once you get into it, it reveals some striking depth and is a pretty fleshed out fitness program. When you first start, Maya asks you to enter in your physical stats and runs you through a few rather grueling tests to determine your general level of fitness. You have to do a variety of physical tests, taking your pulse occasionally. When you're done, Maya tells you that you're a fat guy named Alex and you need to lose some weight. Then the game gives you a daily schedule and figures out what you need to do every day. Each day has a focus, be it cardio, core, arm or leg strength... and it mixes them all together pretty effectively. As you exercise, Maya asks you how you're doing and adjusts the workout accordingly. It's almost like teaching a Tivo, after a little while, the game really does seem to get a good sense of where you're at. She also asks you what kind of equipment you have, and if you have things like hand weights, a fitness ball, heart monitor, etc -- those will be added in to your workout.

It also has a pretty indepth progress area that isn't filled out for me yet. I presume that eventually Maya will make me do the grueling fat guy tests again and then plot my progress on the graphs.

There's also a 'meditation garden' where Maya takes you through a decent yoga routine that counts toward your daily exercise time.

So far so good though. Since starting I've lost about 2 lbs (which is on top of the ten lbs I lost over the last month), and I can really feel these workouts. This morning I got up and cursed Maya because my calves and shoulders were screaming at me, but NO PAIN NO... uhh, I forget the rest.


Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Dudes helping other dudes out of a jam

Stephen J. Cannell and Glen A. Larson. The sure-fire creators of 1970s and 80s episodic action shows. Between the two of them, they managed to accomplish:
The A-Team
Knight Rider
Magnum P.I.
The Rockford Files
Hardcastle & McCormick
Battlestar Galactica
The Fall Guy
Buck Rogers
BJ and the Bear
The Greatest American Hero
and the Six Million Dollar Man.
What do all of these shows have in common? They're all shows that were basically about a dude or a team of dudes helping someone/some group of people out of a jam -- no matter which episode you watched! The last entry I wrote got me thinking about the death of this type of show. We've got some good shows now -- Lost, Alias, 24, etc -- but almost all the GOOD television now is based on long story arcs that continue from episode to episode. If you miss one episode, you're often lost. You certainly can't just sit down to watch one of them in the middle of the season and figure out what the heck is going on. I miss the days when I could just watch any episode of Knight Rider and see Michael and KITT beat the tar out of a few goons and help someone out of a jam. It's fulfilling and satisfying and completely resolved in 44 minutes. I feel like there's more than enough room on our 800 channels of television for some shows of this nature to come back. Preferably before some studio executive decides to green light "Curling with the Stars."

Actually, I would totally watch "Curling with the Stars"


I decided to find out what the heck the two of them are up to these days. Besides being nominally involved in the new incarnation of Battlestar Galactica on the Sci-Fi channel, Glen A. Larson isn't doing too much. Stephen J. Cannell, however, is enjoying his new career writing novels only read on airplanes.

Case Study: The Team of Experts

I love anything that features a team of experts. As soon as I'm seeing someone large and in charge in some kind of war-room with several dossiers spread out on a table, I'm hooked. If there's a lone-wolf who has a problem and needs to build a team specialists to solve his problem, I'm hooked. Why is this formula so successful? Where did it come from? Can anyone think of the FIRST team of experts movie/show? The earliest I can remember is The Dirty Dozen, but there may be a few others that I'm forgetting. Who invented the team of experts genre?

Some notable examples of the genre:
The A-Team, of course
Disney's Atlantis
The Dirty Dozen
Force Ten from Navarone
The Goonies
Mission: Impossible
Armageddon (An unpopular choice, but I stand my ground)
Ocean's Eleven

In other news, I was planning on kicking it for a little while and taking some time off before looking for a new job. I just discovered the the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry is hiring an Internet Marketing Manager -- which makes me re-evaluate that plan, big time. I think we're also having a hurricane today, my house just blew away.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

VH1 Loves Everything

Hello, everyone. So the first news I should probably throw out there is that I am actually, officially, for the first time in nine years, unemployed. So, like any normal red blooded American, I was spending my first day of unemployment watching television (and working out with Yourself!Fitness, with my new close, personal, digital friend Maya) and I saw that VH1's new show 'I Love Toys' was on. Now, I received an email late last night from Casey, telling me that some of the eMerchandise t-shirts were being shown. So I watched, pause button in hand, quick on the trigger to capture this precious moment forever. So here it is, VH1's homage to (except with no gracious plug.)

I gotta admit I am pretty amused seeing my t-shirt template on snarky VH1 talking heads. Not sure if they ACTUALLY HAVE PERMISSION to use that image, but hey -- I'm no lawyer. I'm just a snarky guy watching snarky guys on VH1. Anyway, it's kind of interesting that this comes to pass the day most of us are laid off. It's like the universe is either smiling or laughing at us. Either way, I guess the universe is happy.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I don't actually love everything

"Alex, you love everything!"

I've probably heard that phrase said nearly one billion times in my life. Usually after I've gushed about the amazing-thing-du-jour, which I have a strong habit of doing.

I don't love everything, there's lots of things I don't like. Tons! Thing is, I don't feel the need to talk about them -- because something I don't like leaves my brain and goes a-walkin' down the train tracks, like a hobo in a 1940s movie. Bindle in hand. Things I love though... I shout and yell and tell everyone within earshot about how I just discovered this awesome thing, perhaps the greatest thing in the history of things, and they should enjoy it as much as I do. If they do, we both win!

This new project of mine is going to be devoted to the things I like to holler about. You won't find much panty-waisted moaning and groaning here, just me gushing about the things that move me, make me laugh, curious, interested and happy -- whether it's a video game, a piece of music, something I scanned out of SkyMall (be on the lookout for the SkyMall Product of the Week feature!), or just an insignificant tidbit that I find interesting and I hope someone else will too.

So on to the first thing! Today's gush of the day is actually BLOGGER! I've been wrasslin' around with mt for years now, and was never truly happy with it. It's a good tool, but it always had that 'designed by the IT dept' feel about it that never really gelled in my head. I like software that's simple and fun to use -- apps and tools that feel like a logical extension of my brain, rather than a hurdle I have to lurch over so I can do this or that. The current trend of FUN software is just so great, and I can't wait to see what comes next. Blogger took me all of five minutes to get set up on my own server, and it works like a charm. Solid and great. My hat is off to you, GOOGLE SLASH BLOGGER, keep up the good work.


It has come to my attention that people don't believe that I don't actually love everything! They are besmirching my good name and reputation in my comments section! I'll not stand for this, not on MY blog!
Jimmy Fallon
'The Jackal' Starring Bruce Willis
The goddamn Strokes
Perfect Dark Zero
Overacting in sketch comedy
Sex and the City
American Dad
Chris Kattan

So there you go, Steve.