Hahahahahhahahahahah

Oh, I love live news bloopers more than just about anything:



The best part is how quickly the "NEWS PERSONA" comes down once the cockroach rears its head.

Invention of the century

Hats off to you, HP. You've put aside more important things to tackle this essential issue: the camera that make chubby people thinner! Or, as I like to call it, THE MYSPACE CAMERA!



Oh sorry for not updating for so long, I was busy learning how to drive and finally honestly it's about time getting my driver's license!

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!

The Picture of Corporate Responsibility

Now see here. I was treated to this glorious image of a Sherwin Williams paint truck while on the way to work today. I don't think any further commentary is necessary, but can I just say WHAT IN THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING? I mean seriously.

Harry Potter and the Wizard's Sleeve

Ok, everyone. Do this right now. Visit this internet web site, download the two .mp3s, and follow the instructions. It's an alternate soundtrack to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (philosopher's stone to our friends in jolly olde england) that you listen to alongside the movie, a-la The Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz. It's absolutely hilarious and extremely well written. Really, really, really good stuff!

MM to the VI

So I'm curious. What's the deal with roman numerals with regard to copyright law? Movies and TV shows are always copyright with dates that are expressed in roman numerals, and books aren't. Does anyone know why this is?

Lord of the Cul-De-Sac

Listen ye blog readers, for I shall tell ye a tale. A tale of a mysterious neighborhood living somewhere deep in the misty woods of Tualatin/Portland. Yes, true adventure awaits for those emboldened for the journey. Beware, though! This neighborhood tis not for the faint of heart! Without making thee bite thine nails or tap thein foot any further, BEHOLD: The Lord of The Rings Suburban Neighborhood.


Yes, it is Rivendell Drive. The gateway to a marvelous suburban subdivision that is for some unknown reason entirely named (and somewhat themed) after The Lord of the Rings. I wasn't sure what I'd find, but as it turns out I found a lot!


Exhibit A: A VERY EVIL MAIL BOX. I have no idea what's even going on here, but that mailbox just flat out looks dangerous. I would expect this sort of thing from a home on Mordor drive, not Rivendell.

Let's see what other charming streets we can find while strolling down Rivendell Drive, shall we?


Yes, those no-good TOOKS are here. Property values just went DOWN.


Yep, they're all here.


There's even a fire-pit nestled into the Thistlebrook Court Cul-De-Sac, so the hobbitses can roast their whatevers and sing their eye-rollingly long and boring songs while the sun goes down.

I'm still really curious exactly as to HOW this happened. One of the residents bird-dogged me while I was taking photos of the signs. When I asked him what the deal was, he pretty much shrugged and said something along the lines of 'they're all named after a children's book or something... I don't know...' I want to go back with a video camera and interview everyone to figure out What the Deal Is. The going theory is that some hippie had the land in their family and agreed to sell it UNDER CONDITIONS ONE..... At least I hope that's the story, that's the best story.

Though, right in the center of Rivendell Drive, there is one house that's far and away bigger and architecturally different than the rest:

I'd say there's a fair chance that whomever built this house is ELROND, THE LORD OF RIVENDELL.


Incidentally, THE LORD OF RIVENDELL also has CARS NUMBERING THREE

So thus concludes your tour of this magical land. If you'd like to see this place for yourself, I'd be happy to draw you a map, it's right up the street from my office.

On other Disney Pals

So while we were walking around with Pal Mickey, I couldn't stop thinking about what Disney could do with the OTHER characters as theme park guides. So check it out:

Pal Donald
Pal Donald demands you take him where he wants to go, and when you, he starts yelling incomprehensible duck-ese at you and punches you in the mouth.

Pal Goofy
Pal Goofy is always lost, and when you ask him what to do, he just goes, 'Heeeeyuck!' or 'Well I don't know, Pal! How bout we just go over there to whatever ride's closest. ' or he just constantly makes you take him to restaurants and candy stores.

Pal Launchpad McQuack
I just added this for fun, I don't really have a joke for this one.

Meet Pal Mickey

This little fellow riding on a towel-animal is Pal Mickey! He's the newest Imagineering toy to hit Walt Disney World (and I'm quite sure you'll be seeing this little fellow in the other parks in short order.) Pal Mickey is a brilliant piece of technology masquerading as a toy. He is useful, fun, and interesting. Peppered throughout all the WDW parks are little RFID transmitters that Pal Mickey uses to know his location. When you carry him around in the parks, he always knows where he is and he uses that information to tell you all sorts of great stuff. Mickey will giggle and shake when he has something to say, and when you squeeze his hand or tummy, he'll tell you things like parade times, background trivia about attractions and locations, which attractions have short wait times, where the characters are appearing in the parks, and much more. He also likes to lead you in sing-a-longs, tell extremely corny jokes, and play games. He's really a lot of fun, and kept surprising us all the time. When you take him home, he loses his ability to tell you about the parks, but he can still tell jokes, sing songs and play games until you bring him back. I am SURE that they have big, big plans for the future of Pal Mickey.

Pal Mickey proved immediately useful. On the first night we arrived in Orlando, we popped into the Magic Kingdom after dinner and the fireworks to walk around and maybe ride something while everyone was leaving after the fireworks. We were walking past Splash Mountain, and I told Shannon that we should christen our experience with a ride on quite possibly my favorite disney attraction ever. At the time, she was a little nervous about big drops, and wanted to keep the first night as chill an experience as possible. So I respected that, and didn't push it any farther.... BUT PAL MICKEY DID! The first thing Pal Mickey said to us was 'Hey Gang, why don't we check out Splash Mountain?' So I explained to Shannon that we can't possibly argue with Pal Mickey, that Pal Mickey would certainly never encourage her to go on a ride that is SCARY... so she did, and is no longer afraid of Splash Mountain. She's also no longer afraid of larger and more terrifying roller coasters, but that's a blog entry for another day.

You really are a pal, Mickey.

On DeVine

This is DeVine. She lives at Disney's Animal Kingdom, and comes out periodically to visit the guests. I use visit in the broadest of terms here, as she doesn't communicate in any sort of traditional sense. She comes out of the forest, walking on long stilts attached to her hands and feet. With only non-verbal communication, she languidly moves through the crowd, stopping to look at people, hide behind the folage, or just poses next to things -- and she is remarkable. We stopped to watch her for quite a while, and her performance was amazing. Equally interesting was the crowd reactions. Some people (like us) were VERY into watching her. Others ranged from interested to absolutely dismissive. It was kind of sad to see a grumpy parent hurry their child by in a stroller and to hear the child get interested in DeVine, only to have the parent snap back with something like, 'Oh, that's just a lady.' or 'She's a tree honey, we have to hurry to Expedition Everest.' She's not 'just a lady', and Expedition Everest sure ain't going anywhere. Animal Kingdom is one of the few theme parks in the world that actually rewards you for taking time to understand and appreciate it, and DeVine is a perfect example. So if you're ever at AK, do yourself a favor and loiter in the area between Africa and Asia. Spot animals in the Tree of Life while you wait. You'll be glad you did.

On Mission: Space

Mission:Space presented me with a few complicated hurdles to get over before we left on our trip. You see, not three or four days before leaving, a lady died from a stroke shortly after riding M:S. The autopsy and a short investigation proved that Disney wasn't at fault, but that didn't help my overactive imagination one bit. My brain kept yelling 'OHHHHHHH ALLLLLLLLEX, WHAT IF YOU HAVE A BLOOD CLOT SOMEWHERE, LURKING IN YOUR BODY, JUST WAITING FOR MISSION: SPACE TO UNLOCK IT AND ENABLE ITS DEADLY, DARING ESCAPE DIRECTLY TO YOUR BRAIN?' Yeah, my brain is kind of a jerk sometimes. But after rationalizing it about a hundred thousand times, I realized that I was being incredibly silly, that statistics were unbelievably on my side, and I'm a healthy young fellow that probably has nothing to worry about. I was right. Mission: Space is unbelievable. Mission: Space is ALSO probably the most unique ride that Disney has ever built. It's part motion simulator, part centrifuge, all awesome.

First off, I can TOTALLY understand why a lot of people have their knickers in a twist over Mission: Space. If you are at ALL prone to motion sickness, M:S will give you a whuppin' worthy of Mr. T, and then some. Most of the people howling over how M:S should be closed because it killed two riders with pre-existing hazardous medical conditions probably fall into this category. It is, hands down, the strangest spinning sensation I've ever felt. It's SIMILAR to rides like The Gravitron and The Roundup. Things that you find at carnivals that spin round and round and ultimately make most you throw up. The Mission:Space difference is that it tricks your brain into thinking you're moving in different directions by having you stare at a screen that is not giving you any indication that you are spinning at all. The only time I ever perceived a 'spinning' sensation was at the very beginning, when the centrifuge started to spin, and then WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, look out. It is honestly the strangest sensation I've ever felt, and I've been on all the carnival type spinners. The real difference is that the pods on Mission: Space can twist and turn on different axes to move the g-forces to different places -- which is a very unique sensation, indeed. It also has the added brain-tricker of giving each person in the pod a role (commander, pilot, etc), and each person has a task to do. You press buttons at certain times to fire second stage rockets, put the crew into hypersleep, etc. Having something to focus on really helps, I'm sure. Plus, there are tons of little switches and buttons all over the cabin, and some of them make noises when you press them. We were actually stuck in the pod for a little while while the ride was down, and I amused myself the entire time by doing 'pre-flight checks' and the like. Just hittin' buttons like there was no tomorrow.


We went on it twice, it never made us feel queasy -- just... weird. But fun! The second time, we rode with this elderly English couple who seemed to really get a kick out of it, which was really awesome.

SO I DECLARE THE NAYSAYERS ON THE INTERNET WRONG, M:S IS AWESOME, GO RIDE IT NOW. Unless you get dizzy easily.

Disney Decompression: EPCOT

Well, we're back. Seven days in Central Florida! I'm going to be writing some focused blog entries on certain specific things later on, but these entries are going to serve as a 'brain dump' of collections remarkable things that weren't worth an entire entry on. These isn't going to be a blow-by-blow trip reports, per se -- I don't really find those all that interesting. Just tidbits of things that are new, interesting or of note, organized by park

EPCOT:

Let's just lead right off with my personal favorite theme park in the entire world, EPCOT. It'd been about four years since I'd been there (and probably eleven or twelve since Shannon had), and neither one of us had ever seen everything, so there was a lot to take in.

Future World:


Soarin' and The Land
Soarin' is a direct copy of Soarin' Over California, at California Adventure in Anaheim, shoe-horned into The Land pavillion in the space that was occupied by the much made-fun-of show, "Kitchen Kabaret" (and its very, very short lived replacement, "FOOD ROCKS!"). It's just as good, as to say it is exactly the same, though the queue is lacking in comparison (and since the Soarin' queue at DCA isn't exactly the Ritz, that is to say that the queue is pretty plain.) What IS remarkable about Soarin' at WDW, is it has turned The Land from a tumbleweed-filled cricket-chirping ghost town into The Place To Be in Future World. The Land was positively packed every time we were in there, and that's pretty amazing. One of my favorite attractions in all of Future World is in there, the slow, boring but immensely interesting boat ride through the greenhouses where you learn all about aeroponic and hydrophonic growing techniques. This puts most people into a complete coma, but I think it's pretty interesting. We also took the "Behind the Seeds" tour of the greenhouse, which was interesting and fun. The Land's greenhouse is a place I could literally spend hours and hours inside, it's unbelievably cool and it's great that Soarin' is finally helping to expose it to an audience. Even if that audience takes a nice little snooze -- but let's face it, WDW is tiring. Embrace that nap during the seed ride, America.


Journey Into Imagination
Ohhhh poor, Imagination Pavillion. Once, you were the best thing about Future World. Once, you had so many cool things to do. Now, you have an uneven dark ride that is amusing but not incredibly good, and an ImageWorks playground that is just a barren shadow of what it used to be. Granted, the ImageWorks playground was dated as all get out, but the new one basically consists of three things: Conduct music with your hands, step on things on the ground that make noises, and email funny photos to people. Those three things are exactly replicated through tons of individual stations, and just don't have the amaze factor that the old stuff did. I remember stepping on colored hexagons on the floor to create a symphony! Walking down a neon rainbow hallway where the colors would follow you as you walk! HUGE pin-boards that had light shining on them so when you made the impressions underneath, they would light up in interesting patterns... so much great stuff. So sad that it's all boarded and boxed up somewhere and replaced with boring things that no one seems to like that much.

Innoventions
In true Innoventions style, we ignored it entirely. HA! I still miss Communicore.

The Living Seas
Sigh. The Living Seas actually gives me a bit of a frownface these days. It used to be easily one of my favorite attractions at EPCOT. But the SYNERGY!!! dept at Disney Parks and Resorts went overboard and turned it into basically FINDING NEMO: THE PAVILLION. What used to be a neat trip to the bottom of the ocean is now a lark with Nemo, Crush and Bruce the Shark. The entry to the pavillion used to be a 'hydrolator' that would 'take you down to the bottom of the sea', a very believable illusion that really heightened the experience. Now, the 'Hydrolator' is replaced by a 'Finding Nemo Gift Shop', and the entrance just dumps you right into the aquarium. Which honestly, well, sucks. The Aquarium is still there, and it's still beautiful, but the experience is so dampened down that it doesn't seem anywhere NEAR an adventure. The Living Seas used to be a trip to the sea floor where you could try out diving suits, see all sorts of exotic sea creatures, and feel the future's promise of cities under the sea. So that's a little sad. There is one thing that completely and absolutely redeems it though. Turtle Talk with Crush. It's the first show that Imagineering has produced featuring an interactive digital character. Crush, from Finding Nemo, swims around in a 'tank' (re: screen) and absolutely, 100% interacts with the audience. With emotion. With reactions. It's basically a 3-D animated puppet, and I was BLOWN AWAY with how realistic it was. Whomever is controlling Crush can see the audience, and picks people out of the crowd to talk to, in complete, natural conversation. It's astounding, and I can't wait to see what else they do with this technology.

But, The Living Seas is still a little sad. They were clearly doing something to the facade of the building, which concerns me. The existing facade is gorgeous, and I hope they're not just layering on Nemo characters. I'm fully in the 'Hey, there's already a great place for the Disney characters, it's called the Magic Kingdom' camp, and I think it cheapens the impact and mission of EPCOT to shoehorn characters into places they never should have been.

Spaceship Earth
I can predict the future, check it out. I predict that Spaceship Earth will be completely gutted in the next few years and a completely new attraction will take place inside the sphere. Spaceship Earth is the last of the 'old guard' attractions in Future World. It illustrates the history of human communication, just as World of Motion (now Test Track) traced the history of transportation and Horizons looked into the future of both communications and transportation (Horizons has been demolished and Mission: Space is in its place). I think SE's days are numbered, so see this odd collection of audio-animatronics while you can. It's still pretty charming in its own way.

Mission: Space
I have so much to say about Mission: Space that it's getting its own entry later on.

Test Track
Test Track is still something of a head-scratcher. On one hand, it's a pretty neat ride that shows how a test car is put through its paces, ending with one kickass speed test on a track. On the other, they replaced "The World of Motion" with "The World of GM, and only GM, and you'd better like GM." It's still good, though.

Club Cool

Pre-Beverly


Post-Beverly



Formerly Ice Station Cool, the fabulous Cokes-from-around-the-world tasting station, Club Cool now has a new home on the other side of Future World. The sad thing is now it seems to be 'Two or three coke products plus Beverly,' which really means it's now 'Trick your friends into drinking Beverly: The Pavillion.' I am very sad that the amount of unique foreign sodas has shrunk and now it's only fun to watch people's faces turn into the California Raisins when they taste Beverly. Which still tastes like ass, if you're curious -- and no I can't elaborate any further than that.



World Showcase

World Showcase is still a lot of fun. A collection of pavillions & restaurants that are themed upon real countries, staffed by people from those countries. It's mostly fun to just shop for candy and pastries you can't buy in the United States, but has its charms nestled deep within. You have to take your time, stop and smell the roses, and poke around to find the special and hidden qualities of Future World. The bamboo kinetic water garden in Japan, the tile mosaic bathhouse in Morocco, the waterfall in Canada, the night sky and volcano in Mexico. It's a great place to just sit, relax, and let the day pass by. Plus, it's also the site of My Favorite Fireworks Show in All the World, Illuminations: Reflections of Earth. Which is still impressive, inspirational, and beautiful.

EPCOT is alsowhere we first encountered the PhotoPass photographers. PhotoPass is an absolutely brilliant business decision by Disney. Remember in 1890, when you'd go into a theme park and there'd be a few photographers at the entrance? They'd take your photo and hand you a little card that you could go use to buy your photo later? Well PhotoPass punches that concept right in the teethbox. You carry around a little bar-coded card with you, and whenever any of the PhotoPass photographers takes your photo, they scan it and hand it back to you. You can either go to any of the PhotoPass stations and view all your photos, or you can wait until you get home and view them ALL in a web browser. You can even add decals, borders and effects to them, or order a full dump of all your photos on CD. It's amazing, and I bet it's going to be massively successful for them.

So that's pretty much my EPCOT brain dump. Coming soon: Tidbits on Pal Mickey, Mission: Space, DeVine, Dinners and the rest of the parks.

Exciting!

I have two things to say today.

#1, I found an AWESOME job at Aperion Audio, I officially start May 1st.

#2, I'm going to Walt Disney World in two days.

I am very very excited about both of these two events.

HERE'S TO ME NOT DYING ON MISSION SPACE HAW HAW, I kid, I kid.

There will be much more, just not now, I am exhausted at the moment.

Digging in the yard

I love gardening. There is something so utterly calming and theraputic about yardwork. When I was young and yardwork was more of a chore than a pleasant diversion, I hated it with white hot intensity. But now that the gardens are mine, it becomes a delightful little Sunday-afternoon activity. I've heard it said that the chemical released in your brain when you're gardening is the same chemical that coarses through when you're gambling. I guess at a very basic level, the same system of small achievement based motivation is in play. I can believe it, the euphoria produced when I stand around and watch things I've planted grow is really quite nice. It's especially nice when you're eating the food produced from your very own plot of land.

These days, my yardwork enjoyment has become so great that I not only enjoy but look forward to things like raking and mowing the lawn. Have I gone crazy?

PS: this does not mean I would look forward to mowing your lawn. This only applies to my lawn!

I have quite a bit more to talk about, but I can't talk about it yet.

Oh, and everyone should see V for Vendetta and Everything is Illuminated. Both were absolutely teriffic.

Tetris DS Friend Code!

522835 980804

If you'd like to get past Nintendo's crybaby security routine and actually, you know, play tetris ds with me, you'll have to add me to your list and then add your friend code in the comments.

LET'S PLAY SOME TETRIS, INTERNET.

Firsts

Today I saw a German Shepherd on an escalator. Granted, it was a seeing-eye dog, but I honestly can't recall ever seeing an animal on an escalator before.

I can't stop being amazed at seeing a dog on an escalator. Too bad I didn't have my camera.

Liveblogging Mary Poppins

Ahhhh, painted London! What a quaint place. There's some sort of woman sitting on a cloud, I wonder what she's on about.

Oh! It's Dick Van Dyke! Welcoming us to Cherry Tree Lane! He's also a One-Man-Band! Pip-pip!

How can these people live next to an insane sea captain who seems to constantly believe the neighborhood is at war? You'd think some sort of neighborhood committee would have a little talk with ol' Admiral Boom.

Jane and Michael have just lost their Nanny! Oh no, they need a new one.

Despite his rather delightful song, Mr. Banks is actually kind of a dick.

Ahhh the wind has apparently changed, I wonder what this could mean! Oh, it means that Admiral Boom is going to shoot off his cannon again.

Bunch of wet blanket black dressed nannies are lined up at the door, they sure do look stern! I sure hope someone arrives on the scene to save poor Jane and Michael from this mess!

Oh look, the wind is blowing the grouchy nannies away, this is miraculous!

Jane and Michael think Mary Poppins is a witch, good thing this doesn't take place in NEW England in the 1700s.

Why haven't I ever noticed that Julie Andrews is actually kind of hot? This is honestly blowing my mind a little bit.

She's sasstalking Mr. Banks, this can't turn out well! Wait just one moment, Mr. Banks is confused and not angry! Why this Mary Poppins may be a psychological genius. I do believe she's actually hoodwinking Mr. Banks!

oh jesus christ she is going up the stair bannister, how can this be.

George Banks is still confused, but now happy with his new nanny. She really did a number on HIM!

Mary Poppins is getting settled in her new room and HOLY SHIT SHE IS REMOVING LIKE A TEN FOOT TALL POLE FROM HER CARRYBAG, and also an ornate mirror. Jane and Michael probably think she's Jesus at this point. Now a huge plant, this is some bag that Mary Poppins has. What else could be in the b... A BEAUTIFUL LAMP?!?!?! This bag can't be real.

She's measuring Jane and Michael with a very rude tape measure that says bad things about them, but lets Mary know that she is practically perfect in every possible way. Something tells me that Mary Poppins designed this tape measure.

Here comes the witchcraft again, she's singing a magic song that makes their room clean itself up. How is this teaching Jane and Michael important life lessons? Once she's gone, they won't have any supernatural powers to replace their utter laziness. There is a very handsome audio-animatronic bird in this scene though, and it definitely doesn't sing in any offensive accents. Uh-oh, the witchcraft toys are going bonkers!!

Park time! Spit Spot! These kids are awful singers.

Oh look, it's Dick Van Dyke again... now his job is a chalk painter? He sure is a jaunty fellow though, probably the only nice person in this entire movie! I'd really like to know the backstory between he and Mary though. Did they have some sort of tawdry relationship once? He suuuuuuuuuuuure knows a lot about Mary Poppins. Hmmm. Hahahaha jump into the chalk drawings? Dick Van Dyke is also insane, obviously. Yeah right, maybe in some kind of MAGIC LAND... oh golly well Mary got them to jump into the chalk drawings, what do you know. EFF U DICK VAN DYKE, U R PWN3D BY MARY POPPINS

Animated shit, victorian costumes, jolly holiday with Mary. Dick is flirting with Mary again. I'm pretty sure they DO have some kind of history. Yep, cows, chickens, singing sheep -- this is a terrifying living chalk drawing. I'm going to close my eyes until it's over.

*peeking* still not over, they're riding on turtles.

Ahh jeez, here come the kazoo waitstaff penguins. This nightmare will never end. Oh, I get it, they look like they're wearing tiny tuxedos!

OK I'm afraid I can't close my eyes until this is over, this chalk drawing wonderland is taking forever. Now they're destroying a perfectly good carousel to ride the horses across the chalkland countryside. Is nothing sacred to Mary Poppins? That's a classic carousel and now it'll take days to repair. Oh now it's time for several stuffy british stereotypes that are on a FOX HUNT! I'd really like to go back to the somewhat stereotypical London now, please. Guess not, now there's a big horse race going on. UH OH IT IS TIME FOR SUPERCALLASHEKPALILADIOSFRAGILAGGAEXPEALLIDIOSHUS! POPCORN! FILOBUSTER! SAY EM AGAIN!

Oh delightful, the rain washed them out of the chalkdrawing nightmareland. We're back in LondonSet now.

UH OH, MEDICINE TIME. This can't turn out well, everyone knows that medicine is disgus... strawberry, rum punch, and lime cordial? Mary is spiking their medicine with liquor. Worst Nanny Ever.

WTF? Mary is acting like the crazy stuff that happened earlier never happened! She's threatening them with the police if they keep talking about it? Mary is a jerk. Now she's shutting them up with a magical lullaby.

Ahhhh, Admiral Boom again! Now he's INTENTIONALLY going to wake the neighborhood up with his cannon, this movie is full of jackasses.

Breakfast time for the Banks! George Banks is grouchy as usual, he's angry that everyone is so cheerful. What a wet end! Yep, Admiral Boom is destroying their house, as predicted.

Another outing! Wait, what? Mary Poppins knows Admiral Boom too? That girl gets around.

Oh no way, Mary Poppins speaks "Dog." This is just the living end.

They're going to a very suspicious looking alley matte painting avenue. This isn't going to turn out well, she's probably taking them to buy more bootleg "medicine."

Oh my lord here's Dick Van Dyke again (No new job) and there is a dude laughing in a very familiar cartoon voice and LEVITATING. He apparently has some disease that makes him laugh and fly. :( Even Mary Poppins thinks it's quite serious. Oh. Oh no. His disease is contageous... now Dick Van Dyke and the children are laughing. I guess Mary Poppins is immune since she's a witch and all. Oh no, now Dick Van Dyke is on the ceiling too. Whew, Mary tried to keep the kids from flying too... but it's too late! Nothing can stop this disease. :\ Now Mary is using her witch-powers to levitate the teatable. Well at least she can be helpful SOMETIMES. Oh, the cure for his disease is misery!

Mr. Banks is coming home and Admiral Boom is razzing him for being late. That guy! Someone should hire a few pirates to come destroy Admiral Boom's house.

Uh ohhhhh, Mr. Banks is calling Mary Poppins on the carpet. This won't go over well, Mr. Banks is angry and a jerk and we know what that means. He wants Mary to teach the children that life is a looming battle that must be faced and fought. He's also taking a little nip off the ol' brandy crystal, so this could go downhill fast. HAHAHA HE CAN'T SAY SUPERCALLAGNALDLF oh shit I can't say it either.

Mary is a smart cookie, she's turning the tide to her favor once again! What a pistol that Mary Poppins is! She tricked Mr. Banks into taking his children to the bank. But if I know Mary Poppins (and trust me, I do), this isn't going to turn out very well for Mr. Banks!

Ahhh, the bird-lady song. I think this is what we 'In the Industry' call a 'filler song.' Come on, get to the unfortunate bank incident! That lady would honestly be covered head-to-toe in bird shit, btw. Yep, the song put the kids and quite nearly me to sleep.

Yay! It's Banks' Bank time! They see the bird woman, but Mr. Banks doesn't like to look at homeless people. Typical. On to the stuffy bank, where it's Take Your Kids To Work Day, but apparently only Mr. Banks knows about this. The other bank managers are looking down their sharp features at the old men.

Oh! Here's Old Dick Van Dyke, at last! This is a pretty good case-study on how to make yourself act old. #1: hunch over, #2: raspy voice, #3: chewing on nothing, #4 beard. He's singing a delightful song about interest and greed, but Michael only wants to give his Two Pence to the bird lady, much to the chagrin of the stuffy bank managers. Mr. Banks is still a dick, for those of you who are keeping score at home. Now he is flanked with a phalanx of like-minded british dicks who are bullying this poor child into investing his money! Oh no, Old Dick Van Dyke incited a tantrum when he stole Michael's money which in turn created A RUN ON THE BANK when the rest of the customers witnessed this! Chaos! Jane and Michael escaped with their money! Oh no, I predict bad things are going to happen to Mr. Banks after this.

Jane and Michael ran to the wharf, it is full of vicious dogs, bag ladies and... oh, it's Dick Van Dyke again! Now he's a chimney sweep! This guy has more jobs than Kirk on Gilmore Girls. Now I guess it's time for Wit and Wisdom with Dick Van Dyke. He's still the nicest person in this movie.

He's skipping them home and singing about how lucky he is. Well if he's nailed Mary Poppins, I'd wager he's lucky, indeed. The children are home....................... but where is Mr. Banks? He's not home? Is he still at the bank? I sure hope nothing bad is happening to Mr. Banks. Oh, I guess Dick Van Dyke had ulterior motives, he's cleaning the Banks' chimney. Here I thought he was doing something selfless, but noooooooooooooooooo. Oh Mary is back and she shot the kids up the chimney, now they are all sooty. Now it's time for magical sootface rooftop adventure! Oh! Mary just made stairs out of soot. I'm sure someone on usenet would be happy to point out the physical impossibility of this. Oh my, a gang of sootsweeps. I certainly hope they don't roll Michael for his Two Pence, I don't think London can bear another riot. OK there is officially far too much "Stepping in time." ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Admiral Boom obviously agrees with me, he's shooting at the chimney sweeps. Oh heavens, they are now ransacking the Banks' house with their sooty pigpen dirtbodies. Please stop stepping in time, I want to see what's going on at the bank! Oh, Mr. Banks is at home now? After his day at work, he can't be enjoying all this stepping in time. Oh good, the sweeps are finally pissing off. Whew! I AM BESIDE MYSELF WITH CURIOSITY ABOUT WHAT TRANSPIRED AT MR. BANKS PLACE OF BUSINESS. Uh oh, I think Banks is going to sack Mary Poppins. Maybe not, she just CRACKED WISE, 227 style, at Mr. Banks. Ha!

Uh oh, he's being summoned back to the bank. Finally.

Does Mr. Banks have a brain tumor? Whenever he comes home he sings whatever he's thinking about in the same tune.

Awwww Michael just gave his father the two pence. But, instead of giving his kids some wisdom, he simply said 'Thank You.' and made his way to the SCARY OLD BANK (which does indeed look quite scary at night). Wait, banks have doorbells?

LONG, DARK, BOARD ROOM. This bank has by far the strangest firing routine I've ever seen. First, they are giving him a history lesson to illustrate how long it's been since anything awful had happened to the bank. UNTIL TODAY!! Now they are tearing off his flower, punching his hat, and hell of breaking his umbrella. These bank managers are just unbelievable dickheads. But Mr. Banks is having a change of heart! He is saying SUPERCALAJAGGAMISTICEXPEALICIOOUSUS and laughing and confusing Old Dick Van Dyke and his business men. Mr. Banks has lost his mind!

Oh. Oh no. Old Dick Van Dyke has now caught the laughter disease. I wish him well in his recovery.

Now the wind is changing and it's time for Mary Poppins to break Jane and Michael's heart and take her magical crazybag and go home to her cloud-seat. Mr. Banks is no longer a jerk and is returning home singing a DIFFERENT SONG! Now he is flying kites with his kids. Admiral Boom is still an asshole. I just realized I didn't mention Mrs. Banks at all during this entire liveblog, well she is a delightful lady and a stalwart supporter of womens' right to vote. THE END!

The most disgusting soda known to man

Ok, so this post needs a bit of background. A long time ago, Coca-Cola used to have this neat museum on the Las Vegas Strip. It was full of Coke memorabilia, and featured an area where you could taste Coke products from around the world. Then one day the museum mysteriously disappeared (replaced with an M&M's museum, I believe) and the Coke-around-the-world-taste-sensation-station disappeared for a while, only to re-appear at Walt Disney World's EPCOT Center, of all places. In a small building next to Innoventions sits Ice Station Cool, where you can again sample the glorious Coke products the world over. One such product is known only as "Beverly," and it hails from beautiful Italy. Beverly is, without a doubt, the most disgusting soda I've ever tasted. It's so disgusting that people bring their friends to Ice Station Cool to torture them with a sample of Beverly. I was poking around the internet today, and found this awesome video showcasing a few band geeks and their brilliant idea -- THE BEVERLY CHALLENGE: CAN A MAN DRINK TEN DIXIE CUPS OF BEVERLY IN SEVEN MINUTES? Let's find out.

Warning: slightly graphic video. Never thought I'd need to say that for a video of a dude drinking soda pop.

Irresponsible Sandwiches

I love the internet. A treasure trove of information, social opportunities, porn and shopping. Only on the internet can you book airline tickets, meet your internet girlfriend, buy a book and a DVD, and check out the most irresponsible sandwiches the world has ever seen. So without further delay, I present the Top Four Most Irresponsible Meals found on the internet.


#4: Primanti's Sandwich


Some goof decided that a big slab of grilled meat and cole slaw, a hot fried egg, tomato and french fries between two slabs of thick Italian bread would be a good idea. I mean look at that thing, it looks like a muppet. All it needs is a few googley eyes and a harmonica and it's the newest member of the electric mayhem band.


#3: The Hamdog


hahaha oh the hamdog, I'm laughing already. Straight out of Decatur Georgia comes this monstrocity of a meal. The hamdog is obviously the sick joke the devil played on man. So let's examine the guests of the hamdog party, shall we? First to arrive is a fried egg, the cornerstone of any down-home breakfast. Then fried onions and their good pal chili kick down the door and rush to the stereo. They take the nice party mix you've prepared out and replace it with Sweet Home Alabama on repeat, turned up to 10. Unfortunately, they left the front door open and a hot dog covered in cheese and then wrapped in a fried hamburger sneaks in and immediately flips over your couch, breaks your table and barfs on that rug that you found at Pier 1. During all this chaos, a bun also snuck in and is hiding out somewhere in the basement. As anyone who's had a party of this magnitude knows, the clean up ain't gonna be easy.


#2: The Lutherburger

Legend has it, the pre-weight loss (and I guess pre-death) Luther Vandross invented this sandwich. If this is true, it's the most amazing celebrity food invention since Elvis invented the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. Of all the irresponsible foods in this article, the Lutherburger is actually the least complex. It's your standard bacon cheddar cheeseburger with one destructive twist - instead of a standard bush league sesame seed bun, you press the cheeseburger between a sliced Krispy Kreme glazed donut. Turning a run of the mill meal into a nuclear explosion of fat and flavor.


#1: Untitled Insanity (We refer to it as The Food Coffin)


Yeah, okay. So this one actually transcends food. I would go so far as to say this sandwich is actually the food equivalent of astrophysics or theoretical calculus. I don't know who invented this thing, but "Tip of the Cap," as they say. So let's do a little examination of what this bad boy is made of, shall we?

We have:
One loaf of artesan bread
Four (4) hamburger patties
Countless (countless) sausage and hot dog links
Mushrooms
Shredded Cheese
Lettuce
Carrots
Shredded Turkey
Tomatoes
Almost certainly a fire truck

It's unfortunate that the photo indicates that there are treasures and delights hiddin deep within the food coffin that we aren't allowed to discover. Perhaps some day an intrepid explorer may probe the depths of this fantastic sandwich and we will know the whole truth. Until then, we must be content with what we can see -- and that is one HELL of a sandwich.

So there you go, internet. They're all in one place.

**UPDATE**

Oh my gosh, there's an entire blog devoted to this type of insanity.
Pretty much each and every entry on that site absolutely obliterates everything I've listed here, I am deeply humbled.

Maya and Me

This is Maya. Maya is helping me lose some weight! I recently hit a point where I am just fed up with the state of the union of my body and the yo-yo weight gain and loss that I experience year over year (I bike to work during the summer months, but then sit and do a whole lot of nothing during the winter) -- so I thought I'd check out what Maya has to offer.

Maya is the personal trainer that comes with "Yourself!Fitness" (I have no idea why there's an exclamation mark in there) -- the videogame fitness solution. It's out for the PC, the PS2 and the Xbox, and it's actually pretty interesting. I'm about three days into it now, and it's working out pretty well.

At first glance, it seems like nothing more than a glorified at-home workout video. The kind that people used to buy in the 1890s while wearing their leotards and fashionable headbands. But once you get into it, it reveals some striking depth and is a pretty fleshed out fitness program. When you first start, Maya asks you to enter in your physical stats and runs you through a few rather grueling tests to determine your general level of fitness. You have to do a variety of physical tests, taking your pulse occasionally. When you're done, Maya tells you that you're a fat guy named Alex and you need to lose some weight. Then the game gives you a daily schedule and figures out what you need to do every day. Each day has a focus, be it cardio, core, arm or leg strength... and it mixes them all together pretty effectively. As you exercise, Maya asks you how you're doing and adjusts the workout accordingly. It's almost like teaching a Tivo, after a little while, the game really does seem to get a good sense of where you're at. She also asks you what kind of equipment you have, and if you have things like hand weights, a fitness ball, heart monitor, etc -- those will be added in to your workout.

It also has a pretty indepth progress area that isn't filled out for me yet. I presume that eventually Maya will make me do the grueling fat guy tests again and then plot my progress on the graphs.

There's also a 'meditation garden' where Maya takes you through a decent yoga routine that counts toward your daily exercise time.

So far so good though. Since starting I've lost about 2 lbs (which is on top of the ten lbs I lost over the last month), and I can really feel these workouts. This morning I got up and cursed Maya because my calves and shoulders were screaming at me, but NO PAIN NO... uhh, I forget the rest.

On the whole, YOURSELF!FITNESS GETS THE ALEX LOVES EVERYTHING SEAL OF APPROVAL.